lessons from a fish

So a few things I have been thinking about lately. I am like a fish in a tank. I watch my fish tank and the fish swim around and enjoy everything I have given them. They are completely reliant on me. I give them food, I clean their habitat, I make sure that they have what they need. How weird would it be if one of them just kept swimming into the glass trying to get out. That little fish would never succeed but if the fish doesn't face the fact that it is in the tank and appreciate what is there that fish will eventually kill itself. I am like that fish. If I do not settle down and appreciate what God has given me. If I don't stop banging my head on the wall of my circumstances screaming about how this is not what I wanted I will eventually wreak myself. 

I heard a pastor talk about how his daughter when she was 3 ask him if he would take her to Disney World for her 5th birthday. He was not paying attention as he was watching a game and so he absent mindedly said, "yes baby" and she trotted off completely happy. On her 4th birthday she announced to everyone that her daddy was going to take her to Disney for her 5th birthday. She never once doubted his answer to her and she lived in the peace of that answer as if it had already happened. She just waited for the fruition of that promise. He encouraged that we pray to that end. You see God does answer our prayers. He will accomplish what He wills in us. The work is done as far as God is concerned and we just need to live from that promise. 

This last Sunday our speaker said this, we want to be transported to the better circumstance to arrive without the process but God is in the business of transforming. It is about the process not the position.  I am confident that God has me on a trajectory of greatness. Whether that is being a great mom, eventually becoming a great wife, or becoming the president of the united states. I have no idea what it could be but that is not the point is it. I need to be faithful in the everyday and will one day realize the purpose for which I was placed in this world, at this time, with these people, and responsible for these lives.

The sermon was about Joseph who never fails to inspire me. His dream promise happened when he was 17 years old. He was sold into slavery, charged wrongfully with rape, jailed for 13 years!!!, and eventually became the second in command during a time when that would have made him the second most powerful man in the world. THEN and only then did he see that promise come true. He was 41. That is a long time to wait. And he was faithful in every situation God put him in. 

God please work that gold into my heart. Help me stop swimming into the glass. 

A prayer warrior in training.

It's time I shared what God is teaching me though this tough marriage chapter of my life. One thing I have learned is that even though I was saved very young, about 10 yrs old, and grew up in a christian family, my Parents are pastors/teachers and missionaries, I really have never known how to pray. Okay I have prayed my whole life it seems but I mean really PRAY. Like Jesus did in the garden of Gethsemane. No I am not sweating blood but it sure feels like it sometimes. Pray like your life is hanging on every word because God is your only hope. The truth is I have grown up praying as if I'm playing catch with God and hoping he plays along. I throw up a prayer and hope he throws back an answer. I know he hears me. I know and have experienced His answers to my prayers but in this chapter of my life I am learning that not only does God hear, you know the God of the universe that created every unique snowflake, but he is INTERESTED in what I have to say.  Every expectation of a great life has been disappointed, or so it feels, and all that is left is prayer. Oh how great is the Fathers love for us.

As a woman I have had certain expectations that marriage would involve a wonderful, special, unique, connection between me and my husband. Not only physical but more importantly for me emotional. After all that is what God intended right? Well, life has turned out to be quite different than that. Scott is a wonderful provider, he works so hard and is a exceptional father. He spends time daily with the kids and has a genuine desire to spend more if he could: sleep in everyday, work less, still have time for sports, etc. Really he is a great dad.

The problem for us is not that either one of us is a bad person. It's that we are sinful beings. We have vastly different interests and levels of commitment to the life we have been given through Christ. In short we are unequally yoked and the bible promises that will be a challenge. And a challenge it is. Everyday, every conversation, every interest in life, every vacation, every money decision, every education decision for the kids, every everything.
My heart aches as we have very little in common and see the world from two opposite perspectives. We do not have the beautiful connection that it seems God planned for the union of two people. Yet I know God does not waste pain. I am deepening my faith with each word I cry out to God. I know that God's desire is for his son to be unified with him more than this wife ever could. So I wait, grow, stretch, release, mourn, hope, and PRAY for the day when I will be able to have unity in my marriage. I was going to type 'for the day when I will have peace...' but that is another thing I have learned that peace really is a choice, as is joy. I can choose to look at my situation (focusing inward) and like acid it can eat away any good, positive, admirable, thing that is happening there. OR I can choose to keep my eyes on the one who gives hope, joy, and peace to the ones who put their trust in Him.

That is my choice.

Also, in case it's a question I am also broadcasting to all the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms that I will not surrender my husband, marriage, or family! I will fight with all the hosts of heaven for as long as I need to in order to see him whole and healed.

I'm sure there will be plenty more to come so stay tuned.
God is at work in this house!!
Kari