Making God, LORD

So I have had some crazy cool things happen to me over the last few months. I have tried to write to you guys but it has been hard since God has been doing some deep cleansing in my life. He is so gentle and kind in the middle of all the cutting away. It is amazing how he can be so thorough and so amiable at the same time.
I want to be as candid as possible since I know that many of you have been through the same thing but also I feel like it is important to make sure I do not give Satan a foothold so bear with me as I try to tell you all Christ has done.
My last dating relationship was three years ago and although I have maintained a standard of sexuality high above what is currently the cultural norm but my standard has not been biblical. In that relationship I chose to go beyond Gods guidelines for sex. I knew it was wrong before it happened and still I allowed the sin to take place. I dealt with the relationship and ended it after four months. In dealing with the relationship I got bitter. I tried to forgive the guy, since it was all his fault. Well, it was easier for me to deal with when I told myself that, after all he was supposed to be the “head” of the relationship. He moved on, getting married about 8 months after all this happened. I, on the other hand, decided to deal with it on my own and try to do all the forgiving and ignoring on my own. God had a different plan. You see his will for us is to become one flesh with only one person in our lifetimes. Even though I did not know it at the time this was part of the barrier in the relationship I had with my Dad as well.
The subject came up recently of my last relationship and I answered confidently and accurately, vaguely alluding to the facts. The fellow converser asked me what my parents said. And with all self righteousness I told them that they didn’t know. I had kept it all to myself. As soon as I said it I knew that I had to submit to my spiritual authority and let them know, additionally I needed to repent before them for all the pain I had caused my family. Some background: the guy with whom I had this relationship was close with my family and was still involved with family things. By not telling the family what had happened it looked like I was an immature, jealous, hateful person that just wanted to make times together miserable. Which I did quite effectively. So we were all involved in some way or another.
Well, had a talk with my parents who were so great and gracious to me. I was TOTALLY amazed at the difference the confession had on me. I could literally feel the freedom of the situation. I have never before known a forgiveness that takes weight off my body but this did. You see Satan comes to steel, kill, and destroy. He had stolen the joy of my relationships with family and some friends. He had killed my internal gage as to what was an appropriate way to deal with it all. And he had destroyed parts of who I am and my ability to have a right relationship with God the father. I left that day knowing that I was completely forgiven, everything was totally severed that could effect my life concerning that act. There was nothing anyone could bring against me, there was nothing hidden that Satan could use to destroy my witness. It is amazing to me to reflect on that situation and see how when God gives us a standard it is all about us and His overwhelming love for us that requires Him to set the standard so high. And it also seems obvious to me why Satan would wage war against every person Christian or not in this way. It renders a person helpless even if they do not know it. It effects women in such a way that the emotional, soft, beautiful, confident, loving, and graceful person that we are supposed to be is rendered helpless. Making us hard, self-defending, sharp tongued, self-sufficient, emotionally scared women in need of control. After all if we do not protect ourselves who will?? I thought my life was fine. I was fully convinced that I was forgiven and free from this guy and all the crap that came along with the choices I had made. What I did not realize is that I had taken Gods job; to be the guardian of my heart. I had given the job to a man; my father but then taken the thing he was to guard; my heart and gave it to yet another man; the guy. All the people failed because I had set each of them up to fail in a profound way. I, after all, am not God. Only God can be the true guardian of my heart. He will not put a protection around my heart until I offer it up to Him. Once I do that then my father is free to do what he is supposed to and whatever guy has to approach the throne of God to ask for my heart. If God allows him to have it then I would imagine this is a man smart enough to know that he now in “possession” of the heart of a princess, HAS to hand it right back to the King and guardian for safe keeping.
Honestly, I can’t wait to meet that guy. He is going to be something, yet still flawed, just like me. I feel like I have come a long way in the past two months but I know there is still a ways to go. Praise God he only gives us what we can handle. For me it is small spoonfuls at a time. Only through his grace are things changing. Daily I can see the result of living a life without anything to hide. You see, I think I now have a small understanding of what it means to not only have Jesus as my savior but also God as my LORD. There is a big difference. One is fire insurance the other is a way of life.
By the way, my Dad and I have had some really great conversations and I have gotten through them all without shedding a single tear. That would not have happened three months ago. Truly when the son has set you free, you are free INDEED.