reflections

January 31st, 2011 represents a year to me that has been filled with both heart ache and triumph. Admittedly the heart ache was self inflicted, which is one reason it is so hard to understand, but the triumph was such an act of God's grace that I feel like I have increased revelation in a few different areas of life.

One area is the fact that God promises to be our refuge and strength. He is our fortress in times of trouble and he is our counselor. As I think of these things in light of this last year it is clear to me that in the moment of our heart ache or bad decisions or when it feels like our world is crashing down around us at no fault of our own God will be our strength. Our adviser, counselor, strength for the fight. But if we are so tired from life, worn out by the fight we insist on fighting in our own strength he does promise to be our fortress and refuge.

Read Psalm 31:

¹ In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
² Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
³ Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
⁴ Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
⁵ Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, LORD, my faithful God.

⁶ I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the LORD.
⁷ I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
⁸ You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

¹⁴ But I trust in you, LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”

¹⁵ My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
¹⁶ Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
¹⁷ Let me not be put to shame, LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
¹⁸ Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

¹⁹ How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
²⁰ In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.

²¹ Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
²² In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

²³ Love the LORD, all his faithful people!
The LORD preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
²⁴ Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

The way I look at it is, that if you want God to be your fortress you need to take the time and discipline to move into a place where you are able to take refuge in him.

Think of it like this: you are out on the field of war, like in the movie Braveheart, you are in the wide open and although you have your weapons, the sword of truth etc Eph 6, you have no covering. You cry out to God for help and he can and will provide strength and wisdom.
Even a help mate and encouragement etc but in order for him to be your refuge or provide a fortress you gotta get your butt over to the fort. Get on your horse and ride babe ride!! Don't hope that you sometime will wander through he doors of a huge fortress. NO you have to be intentional about getting your time and opening your Bible in order to take full advantage of what God offers in times of war, battle, a bit of a struggle, or even times of peace.

I have had some tough things happen this year. No one died but at work I have been challenged big time and even in relationships, that is the self inflicted heart ache I was talking about, at the beginning of the year. Wow, reading my diary was so depressing. Why God bestowed on me the gift of Scott I have no idea. God is SO good to me. I wish you could all meet him. He is pretty amazingly wonderful.

Even as we are starting some pre marriage work I just have to keep reminding myself that God is my source and there will be hard times, in addition to the challenges we have already encountered, that will prove to be only resolvable or solvable by the grace of God in a place of his peace and rest. I assume that if I can stay in that place the conflict won't feel quite so painful. I can only try.

I encourage you this year, and I will try to remember and practice my own advice, to remember to get into that fortress sooner than later when things come up. Don't try to battle alone. It may work but you will end up wounded and a perfect target for another attack from the enemy. God wants us to grow up through hard times but remember he only gives you what he knows you are strong enough to endure. AND he gives you all the tools you need, pick them up. AND he gives you a place to rest in the midst of it, get in there . . . and I think you will find that you are a different, better, person at this time next year. That is my hope anyway . . . each year a marked change into a closer reflection of God.

Pray that, right now, over your life and over the lives of the ones you love.

God hears you.

Now go live righteously!!

of Me.

So I met this great guy this last summer and we are planning to get married by the end of next summer. I know it is a bit fast but even with the rough edges I am sure he is my number two. (Remember God is always your number one, right??) And with my jagged edges he says I am his.

This man, Scott, blesses my life in so many different ways. He is patient with me and for those of you that don't know me that well, I need all the patients I can get from someone. We have figured this out about our relationship; I have a short fuse and he is a bit sensitive. Wow, that is such an understatement about me. There are days that I am pretty sure it is illegal for me to get out of bed for all the people I will snap at. So here is an example of what happens in my head. Yesterday I left work early because I was not feeling well. I went home and tried to rest a midst the laundry and the Christmas crafts I wanted to get done. Anyway, Scott came around 4:30 because we, for date night, were meeting some friends of his in Egan, a good 40 min drive. As I am thinking about getting up out of my recliner where I was resting Scott came over and sat on the side of the chair half on me half on the chair. It was nice until he for some reason held up his hand and sticks the peace sign in my face. When I say in my face I mean like two inches, literally, from my nose. I have issues with things in my face, admittedly a bit extreme but still. So I ask him to stop. Then he fingers my pendant and lifts it up to look at it so again in my face. Irritated, I can't take it so I get up to get ready. We leave and he is driving. He drives really slow in my opinion, and he is a consistent talker so he doesn't pay super close attention. Me on the other hand, drive fast and like to get where I'm going. It is less about the drive than about the arrival for me is what I'm saying. Opposite for him or at least the drive is equally important. With my belly still churning, I sit in the passenger seat with an endless internal dialogue about if he would stop talking he would notice that he is driving really close to the line and the other cars and he is weaving and might miss the exit and we are going to be late and these people better be worth it and why am I here anyway and I just want to sleep etc. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

He has never had an accident. Me?? Yeah a few :) Tickets: my fair share.

Why can't I just settle down and let us enjoy a ride together? I guess it has something to do with my personality but also because I have not had to just keep my mouth shut that often. I have one friend that drives super slow but for the most part I drive when we are going somewhere. A funny side note: I took the Meyers Briggs personality test and under the description of me is that I expect that people understand what I am saying. When I give instruction or when I voice an opinion etc. people with my personality tend to think that people should understand and agree. Wow, could that be farther from the truth? Especially the way I was raised with all my very specific ideas and view points. So there are lots of situations where I am finding I am having this internal dialogue and I know that it is good for me even though it feels like I am fighting with myself each time. Maybe this is how holiness feels.

My dad reminded me again that marriage is about holiness not happiness. I have heard that before but for obvious reasons it is having more of an impact on me now that I am getting so much closer to the "holiness" factor. I am happy for it and look forward to spending my life with Scott but I know it will be hard. Not because he is not a man with high character, he is defiantly that but because I am so strong willed.

I think of the verse: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind . . .

Romans 12:2

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I have a feeling this is going to be a major part of the next chapter in my life. The transforming my mind part. I look forward to it with careful anticipation.

We are also doing a financial class by Dave Ramsey. It is tough but if we want to "change our family tree" we need to live now like no one else, not spending anything, so that later we can live like no one else with security and peace. It will all pay off in the long run but trying to pay for a wedding while trying to pay off school debt and a mortgage is not easy. And did I mention? I'm not getting any younger . . . :) Also, not having purchased a piece of clothing in like 4 months is not a problem for most people but for me it is not my MO. Usually right about now I am fitting in to the statistics that most "Christmas shopping" trips yield a little something for the purchaser as well as her family and friends. I not only have not gotten myself anything but I have been very good to use sales to get good deals. I suppose on some level it feels good but mostly I am fighting with self pity. I get sick of not having money for date night or having to rethink Redbox. Can you imagine??? Rethink Redbox, yes I just said that. We have used Dave Ramsey as a verb these days instead of a proper noun. We say, "we will need to Dave Ramsey that . . ." Theater tickets or whatever we need to save for. It has drawn us closer because we are using each other as a resource like we combine our laundry money or some food and I have needed help with all the numbers because it is a bit overwhelming for me but I think in general we are doing pretty good.

Anyway, my plan is to be a completely different person next year at this time. Hopefully a wife and hopefully at least half out of debt. It will be great! Oh and did I mention a ton holier . . . hopefully. If I get better and not bitter.

God you will have to help me with that.