This man, Scott, blesses my life in so many different ways. He is patient with me and for those of you that don't know me that well, I need all the patients I can get from someone. We have figured this out about our relationship; I have a short fuse and he is a bit sensitive. Wow, that is such an understatement about me. There are days that I am pretty sure it is illegal for me to get out of bed for all the people I will snap at. So here is an example of what happens in my head. Yesterday I left work early because I was not feeling well. I went home and tried to rest a midst the laundry and the Christmas crafts I wanted to get done. Anyway, Scott came around 4:30 because we, for date night, were meeting some friends of his in Egan, a good 40 min drive. As I am thinking about getting up out of my recliner where I was resting Scott came over and sat on the side of the chair half on me half on the chair. It was nice until he for some reason held up his hand and sticks the peace sign in my face. When I say in my face I mean like two inches, literally, from my nose. I have issues with things in my face, admittedly a bit extreme but still. So I ask him to stop. Then he fingers my pendant and lifts it up to look at it so again in my face. Irritated, I can't take it so I get up to get ready. We leave and he is driving. He drives really slow in my opinion, and he is a consistent talker so he doesn't pay super close attention. Me on the other hand, drive fast and like to get where I'm going. It is less about the drive than about the arrival for me is what I'm saying. Opposite for him or at least the drive is equally important. With my belly still churning, I sit in the passenger seat with an endless internal dialogue about if he would stop talking he would notice that he is driving really close to the line and the other cars and he is weaving and might miss the exit and we are going to be late and these people better be worth it and why am I here anyway and I just want to sleep etc. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
He has never had an accident. Me?? Yeah a few :) Tickets: my fair share.
Why can't I just settle down and let us enjoy a ride together? I guess it has something to do with my personality but also because I have not had to just keep my mouth shut that often. I have one friend that drives super slow but for the most part I drive when we are going somewhere. A funny side note: I took the Meyers Briggs personality test and under the description of me is that I expect that people understand what I am saying. When I give instruction or when I voice an opinion etc. people with my personality tend to think that people should understand and agree. Wow, could that be farther from the truth? Especially the way I was raised with all my very specific ideas and view points. So there are lots of situations where I am finding I am having this internal dialogue and I know that it is good for me even though it feels like I am fighting with myself each time. Maybe this is how holiness feels.
My dad reminded me again that marriage is about holiness not happiness. I have heard that before but for obvious reasons it is having more of an impact on me now that I am getting so much closer to the "holiness" factor. I am happy for it and look forward to spending my life with Scott but I know it will be hard. Not because he is not a man with high character, he is defiantly that but because I am so strong willed.
I think of the verse: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind . . .
Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.
I have a feeling this is going to be a major part of the next chapter in my life. The transforming my mind part. I look forward to it with careful anticipation.
We are also doing a financial class by Dave Ramsey. It is tough but if we want to "change our family tree" we need to live now like no one else, not spending anything, so that later we can live like no one else with security and peace. It will all pay off in the long run but trying to pay for a wedding while trying to pay off school debt and a mortgage is not easy. And did I mention? I'm not getting any younger . . . :) Also, not having purchased a piece of clothing in like 4 months is not a problem for most people but for me it is not my MO. Usually right about now I am fitting in to the statistics that most "Christmas shopping" trips yield a little something for the purchaser as well as her family and friends. I not only have not gotten myself anything but I have been very good to use sales to get good deals. I suppose on some level it feels good but mostly I am fighting with self pity. I get sick of not having money for date night or having to rethink Redbox. Can you imagine??? Rethink Redbox, yes I just said that. We have used Dave Ramsey as a verb these days instead of a proper noun. We say, "we will need to Dave Ramsey that . . ." Theater tickets or whatever we need to save for. It has drawn us closer because we are using each other as a resource like we combine our laundry money or some food and I have needed help with all the numbers because it is a bit overwhelming for me but I think in general we are doing pretty good.
Anyway, my plan is to be a completely different person next year at this time. Hopefully a wife and hopefully at least half out of debt. It will be great! Oh and did I mention a ton holier . . . hopefully. If I get better and not bitter.
God you will have to help me with that.
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