Hard truth

Many people have told me to stop wishing the hubs was different and just accept what it is. One lady told me it took 35 years before her husband really fell in love with Jesus. Oh God, that seems like so much wasted time! What good is patience if you are almost dead before you use it?

I realized today that one reason I am holding on so tight to the idea of a God fearing totally sold out husband is that I think that is what God wants. It is what I have dreamed about my whole life. If I give up on what I'm hoping for then it means my dream is dead and God is not going to come through in this. I mean right now my future is bleak. If I have no hope how much more bleak could it get?

As Christians we want to have unity in marriage. We want to be about the same purpose and that to influence our world for good. We want to be working toward the same goal of rearing God fearing children that know they are loved by not only us but by the God of the universe. We want to be a team accomplishing great things for the kingdom. Motivated by our love for God. We, christians, statistically are more fulfilled in life, love (literally better sex lives), and have a more positive outlook on life.

If he doesn't join me on this adventure, then I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. I've never wanted to be alone.

I can't crawl into the cage he has put himself in and join him because he isn't doing anything, or going anywhere. I will literally shrivel up and die.

I also have been wondering how much of this is Kari drama and how much is real. I know that marriage for your regular Joe is very difficult. Maybe mine is just normal. Well, I was hanging out with a friend this last weekend and she mentioned that when she was single she was pretty independent and she never thought that she would be that person that would miss her spouse when they were apart from each other. That is what she is experiencing in her marriage. Literally, she said she feels like a part of her is absent when they are not together. Not in a sit on the floor rocking kind of way but a healthy he is my other half kind of way.

I have never felt that. Quite the opposite actually.

So what do I do?
I suppose when I figure it out I'll let you know.

Of a mom being schooled by a 4 yr old

My beautiful babies are teaching me more about the love of Christ than I ever knew before. My Clara is 4. She is her mothers daughter in the fact that she is a Sass! Yikes. I struggle with how to parent in a godly way so as not to destroy her little spirit but also to require respect and obedience. My Daniel is almost 3. He is sweet and tough all at the same time. I also struggle with how to parent him as to show him how to be gentle but strong at the same time. I do take comfort in the fact that God gave them to me because he knew I would be the best mother for them although I question his judgement some days. So I pray. I pray that Gos will give me wisdom to know how to reach their hearts not just influence their behavior. That my parenting will draw them to the heart of God not push them away. That I will be giving them valuable tools for living and not just behavior that minimizes embarrassment for their mother.

Sunday was hot. I had the kids by myself as Scott was helping his parents close up his grandmothers house 4 hours away. I had an extra long day at church so we were headed home around nap time. On the drive Clara said she wanted water. I explained that there was no water in the van and she would have to wait until we got home. She started kicking my seat and saying, "I don't want to wait! I'm NOT going to wait!" She repeated herself and got increasingly agitated and loud for the next 5 min. I could do literally nothing about her wanting water.

I realized that this is how I have been behaving in life. I want to tell God; I want a healthy husband and a great marriage NOW!! I'm not gonna wait!!!

Like a little brat I want to demand what I want when I want it. Unlike me God has the power to do whatever he wants but He also loves me enough not to give me what my tantrum demands. I need to wait. God's timing is never wrong. It's always perfect. It doesn't mean I won't be thirsty for a time but my needs are always met and even the road to my desires is laid out for me to walk on. The road is not gold plated and has a ton of pot holes so I need to stay focused on my heavenly Father who, I believe, wants the same thing I want. A healthy husband and a great marriage.

I did parent Clara out of her tantrum and she did get a drink when we got home but I let the episode go on just long enough for me to really see how insane it was for me to be resisting the working of God in my life. YES it takes a ton of self sacrifice, YES it takes self denial, YES it requires humility, and YES all of that hurts. So far, and I'm far from the end, it has been worth it.

Stay tuned for more lessons from the bumpy road.