Why me?????

Desperate times call for desperate measures” It is a statement that we have all heard but for me it is taking new meaning.

I have recently returned to America, as some of you know, and I have been searching for a church body to belong to. I have been unsuccessful in my search. I do not know why but I am with increased frequency thinking it is because God has a plan that he wants me to be a part of and through the searching he is revealing himself and his purpose for me. I do not feel anymore close to the “answer” though I know He is doing something. Today I went to a very small church that is in north Minneapolis. The people are genuine and work seems to be authentic. Yet there were less than 15 people in the congregation. Numbers are NOT the important issue here. I am just wondering why people insist on presenting a “service” when there are very few not-yet Christians that are attracted to that. I also have seen the “church” try to present a more appealing product by having services that are labeled ‘seeker services’ or ‘seeker friendly.’ How thick the walls on our box must be that prohibit the expansion beyond it’s boarders.
Anyway, back to me. I just daily am wondering what the heck I was placed on this earth for right now. Do not mistake; God knows exactly who you are and what personality, talents, etc He gave you and knew right where, in time you needed to be in order to 1. Further the kingdom of God. 2. Give him glory and 3. Fulfill his purpose for you.

So here I am feeling a bit like a floundering fish on the shore, wanting to have clear direction. I do not feel like I am getting that but what is it that God needs from me in order to use me?? We all know the answer to that; clean hands and a pure heart. We need to be willing to be used. In Psalm 135:15- it says, “ the idols of the nations are silver and gold, made by human hands. The have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but cannot see. They have ears, but cannot hear, nor is there breath in their mouths. Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them.” So if we decide to make God our god we will be like Him and if we decide to make other things our god then we will become like that thing. Awesome and scary at the same time isn’t it? So this is how I apply this to my life. In my desperation I am driving around asking God to reveal even a bit of the plan for me. Weather that be buying a house downtown and effecting a neighborhood with international occupants or buying a storefront in order to establish a place where Christ can be glorified that is frequented by not-yet believers. Whatever it might be I just need Him to give me a vision, of something!! He is saying: Be still and know that I am God. If God is in me, I allow him to work through me and I am the aroma of him. Then daily how can I do anything but be a messenger for him. People will see, they will notice, they will be impacted by the God of the universe everyday. Is that big enough for me or am I unsatisfied with that? I need to learn to be content in all things. Even if it is a day that seems to be without direction. I need to be faithful to my God who is my sufficiency. Praise God please do that in me . . .

Boys

So here is a different take on the whole issue of boys. God has graciously given me an object on whom to cast my affections, for the time being. I thought that a 31 year old would be too old for infatuation but alas I was wrong, Way wrong. Infatuation makes you feel things that are probably not true, think things that are probably not true, hope for things that are a bit inappropriate, etc.

My thing is that I can not wait to talk to this guy. CAN’T WAIT. All the time I am checking my phone for a SMS or some other form of communication that maybe I missed. Also I love to listen to his voice, to my credit it is low and great, preferably at the beginning of the day and at the end and maybe in the middle too. Yeah I know, I got it bad.

It got me thinking about my first love, Jesus. Who gave everything He had because of His love for me. He wants communion with me, and wants to talk and hang out. He wants to experience real life with me and be with me every moment of every day. He loves me so much that He is always ready to listen when I want to talk, about anything. Do I feel the same toward Him???? If I do, I do not show it very well. Do I wake up with Him on my mind? Do I go to bed thinking about a way to spend time with him in the next few days? Do I constantly check back to see what He thinks or if He has an opinion on the things that are important to me? Do I make sure there is some form of communication everyday with him? I am sad to say that I don’t. I wish I did. I hate that I am so dependent on things that are tangible. Things that I can “see, touch, taste or feel.” The Bible says in two Corinthians 4:18; “There is far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.” The Message. I mean really, by now I should know not to trust my senses. What is up with me and how do I change the way I am? Well God made me this way and he knows the struggles that I have. He will make a way where there seems to be no way, right? This is how I see it. If I make sure I talk to HIM before I talk to him. And continually bring the relationship before God for approval and still get all gitty when he calls, God knows and that is how he meant it to be. He gave us the great ‘just met’ feelings, and that’s what makes it fun. He knows what this is all about and how long it will last and all the rest of the stuff I do not have figured out yet. He bestows on us grace that is so far beyond what we, well what I deserve!

One last thing; The guy is a vegan and all the boys in my family are out hunting this weekend . . . Any thoughts?????

Proverbs 24:11-12, The Message

Rescue the perishing;
don't hesitate to step in and help.
If you say, "Hey, that's none of my business,"
will that get you off the hook?
Someone is watching you closely, you know-
Someone not impressed with weak excuses.

My Momma said, "Stand up for what you believe in!" We have also more than likely heard the statement, "stand for something or you will fall for anything." I hear a resounding AMEN! Yet my question is this; Do we make a bigger impact 'standing' against smoking by telling a smoker, "You know smoking causes cancer" or by standing out in the cold with her and investing time into her life. Even though I'm sure she will be eternally grateful for the life giving secret you shared with her about cancer she might be more receptive to who you are and what you are about by valuing her enough to spend 4 freezing minutes, in Minnesota, with her while she develops those cancer spores. Our witness, something I find many Christians don't think about often can take many forms.

From the friend who repeatedly tells her gay brother that God hates homosexuality to the guy who voluntarily lives below poverty level in order to relate to the homeless, there are a myriad of ways God can work. I just encourage you to make sure it is Gods work you are about not conforming people to a lifestyle that is comfortable to you.

Kids change things . . .

Friends with kids, are they really our friends anymore??

What is the definition of a friend? My opinion is that it is someone who cares about you, looks out for your best interests, invests time in your life, checks in every now and then. Really, when someone has a kid, they have so much to do. Not only are they usually loosing a lot of sleep but they are still maintaining their marital relationship that can take a pretty big hit when a kid comes along. Many things, and I think that single friends understand that but growing old as a single person is a lonely business. I found that the 4 through the 8th year out of college were my marriage years. I had around 8 weddings a summer and a few scattered in between. Now 3 to 4 years after that are the reproductive years. I do not have nearly the number of baby showers but more baby showers than weddings. Oh, and the weddings I am invited to are for people an average of 10 years younger than me. Yeah, PLEASE let me celebrate your union. It is hard for me to have a good attitude about that since probably one out of every 4 weddings I went to back in the marriage years has dissolved. Another reason I’m sure I have not jumped into anything. Not that there has been anything to jump into.

Where are all the single people? I have noticed on my faith community search that my generation is not in church. I have said all along that I do not want to pick a church dependent on the amount of people my age that are there. I am not just out to find a man. However, after some thought I figure that is perfectly legal. Am I searching bars, or dating agencies, No so how else am I to get out there. I need a good exposure plan. So that was it. I need to find a church with a huge, I HATE this term, singles group. I found no such thing. In fact, not only did I not find a singles group but also I found no singles in the pews either. I got on a dating site on the internet and found out that that one site had over 500,000 members, on a Christian site. Where are all these people???

My other question is this, Do you really want to tell your grand kids that you met grandpa on the internet??? How weird is that???

I just praise God that his ways are higher than my ways and even though I have no idea what is up with me and why he has me in this very specific place. I am okay with that because I know that his plan is perfect. I can’t wait to see what he has in store for me. I may need to do more calling to my now parental friends or even give some of them up but God knows my needs and theirs. He will provide what I need when I need it. I find that most times the answer lies right in his word. We are so hesitant to read it and find out what the author of our life has to say about his work of art. Why is that? Why do we think that we are in control? How long does it take for me to realize I am botching the deal? Why do I fall into the same traps over and over? God is so good to me. It’s so easy to love Him. He is everything that everyone is looking for. Is God who you say he is? As a Christian do you believe what comes out of your own mouth about Him?? God is more than capable to take care of your life if you would let him. I say He is sufficient for me, yet I ask Him all the time ‘why?’ I once heard a speaker emphasize this thought, “Don’t hold God captive by a question mark.” Wow, I was shell-shocked. How many times do I do that? So many, I have committed my life back to God to do with as he sees fit. To be my matchmaker and my financial planner, my life designer and my scoffer. He has given me so much and I complain and give him grief about way too much! It is time to live this life in victory and show the world that there is not a huge void in my life because it does not consist of what I thought is should at this stage. God knows, is there any more to be said??

Selfish Singles

This blogging thing turns me on. Now that the world needs my thoughts but it is fun to share.

Here is my new thing: Single people today are so different then it seems they were in past generations. I feel this pressure to be on top of all the celebrity news, know about all the current episodes of all the trash on TV. I watched a new sitcom tonight and in it a girl has had amnesia. The whole episode was about the fact that she could not remember what it was like to have sex. She was “a virgin”. All the people in her life then set out to make her a “real woman” again. One friends said, “so much of who you are is sex and until you know that you are a child! You are an adult not a child. Just think if while you are having sex all your memories come back to you.” I realize they were totally over doing it but the message still remains. You are not a real, living-out-loud, woman until you have had sex. I, by no means, am expected to “waste” free time doing anything that would help or serve someone else. I think that especially the older women get that it’s supposed to be all about us. We need to be sassy single women proud to be who we are and not hindered by anything. I feel like a better way to say this is that we are supposed to be women who sleep around (have fun), are man eaters who don’t need men for anything other than a good time between the sheets. We need to be dressed in the latest style and command attention as we walk down the street or into a room. After all we are single women, world take note!


Why do we insist on being so selfish and act like our lives are the most important? Why do we gag when people ask us to baby-sit? Why do we cringe at wedding showers or why does our blood run cold at the thought of a baby shower?

Could it be that it reminds us of what we do not have? Or are we as Christian women totally buying into what the world tells us we should be? I wonder if we see the time as useless since it is time spent with a group of women instead of the opportunity of there being single guys there. Personally, I can be pretty sure there will be some comment about me. Either my singleness or my size that will cause my life situation to be painfully obvious and remind me of what I do not have once again. How to handle the situation when someone asks when you are due???? I say, “I’m not pregnant just fat.” they get all embarrassed, it is just not a good thing. So it is like running interference the whole time. I went to visit a friend in the hospital who had had a baby the night before. I went with my skinny sister and her tiny friend. To her credit the girl that had just given birth was smaller than me. She was wearing a tank top with the snap down bra section for breast-feeding and sweat pants with her post delivery belly hanging out. I had on jeans and a t-shirt and was sitting on the bed with the three little girls who were playing there so the moms could talk. The doctor walked in and asked me how the delivery went the night before. I said, “That would be her.” And pointed to the new mother. It was just yucky and that happens to me. I wonder if it happens to normal people. I fully realize that I am not normal, that goes without saying. However, I just wonder why people have to ask when I am due or things like that. Really?! Is it necessary information?

Here is part of the thing. People in today’s culture have been conditioned to be on the ready when they hear things that might be an insult. We need to grow a thicker skin. After all isn’t it God who gives us our identity? Isn’t it him who created us perfectly and plans our steps? It is he who ordained everyday of our lives before one came to be. In light of that, I prey thee, give these old ladies some grace. I know that these older women were not raised in an age where there were single 30 something’s around all the time. The truth is that they are just trying to be nice and start conversation. I think that one of the widest generation gaps in the boomers to the Xers. Things are So different. However, we are all Christians. We need to live by grace. That means many different things but one application for me it to not internalize the “hate”. I need to deal with grace the comments of folks who just haven’t mastered the filter between the brain and the tongue. I struggle with that myself all to often. Who am I to just decide that those people are not worth my time? So often I have to remind myself that the Bible teaches to be a living sacrifice. So on my drive to yet another baby shower I tell myself that. I need to love people and teach them how to love me and other single people. Can’t we just all get along??
One last thing, to all you married people, please understand that no matter how old we get there will always be more criteria than singleness that our future mate needs to satisfy. Oh, and one more thing . . . we don’t know why we are not married, so don’t ask! Even if we knew we wouldn’t tell you.