Hard truth

Many people have told me to stop wishing the hubs was different and just accept what it is. One lady told me it took 35 years before her husband really fell in love with Jesus. Oh God, that seems like so much wasted time! What good is patience if you are almost dead before you use it?

I realized today that one reason I am holding on so tight to the idea of a God fearing totally sold out husband is that I think that is what God wants. It is what I have dreamed about my whole life. If I give up on what I'm hoping for then it means my dream is dead and God is not going to come through in this. I mean right now my future is bleak. If I have no hope how much more bleak could it get?

As Christians we want to have unity in marriage. We want to be about the same purpose and that to influence our world for good. We want to be working toward the same goal of rearing God fearing children that know they are loved by not only us but by the God of the universe. We want to be a team accomplishing great things for the kingdom. Motivated by our love for God. We, christians, statistically are more fulfilled in life, love (literally better sex lives), and have a more positive outlook on life.

If he doesn't join me on this adventure, then I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. I've never wanted to be alone.

I can't crawl into the cage he has put himself in and join him because he isn't doing anything, or going anywhere. I will literally shrivel up and die.

I also have been wondering how much of this is Kari drama and how much is real. I know that marriage for your regular Joe is very difficult. Maybe mine is just normal. Well, I was hanging out with a friend this last weekend and she mentioned that when she was single she was pretty independent and she never thought that she would be that person that would miss her spouse when they were apart from each other. That is what she is experiencing in her marriage. Literally, she said she feels like a part of her is absent when they are not together. Not in a sit on the floor rocking kind of way but a healthy he is my other half kind of way.

I have never felt that. Quite the opposite actually.

So what do I do?
I suppose when I figure it out I'll let you know.

Of a mom being schooled by a 4 yr old

My beautiful babies are teaching me more about the love of Christ than I ever knew before. My Clara is 4. She is her mothers daughter in the fact that she is a Sass! Yikes. I struggle with how to parent in a godly way so as not to destroy her little spirit but also to require respect and obedience. My Daniel is almost 3. He is sweet and tough all at the same time. I also struggle with how to parent him as to show him how to be gentle but strong at the same time. I do take comfort in the fact that God gave them to me because he knew I would be the best mother for them although I question his judgement some days. So I pray. I pray that Gos will give me wisdom to know how to reach their hearts not just influence their behavior. That my parenting will draw them to the heart of God not push them away. That I will be giving them valuable tools for living and not just behavior that minimizes embarrassment for their mother.

Sunday was hot. I had the kids by myself as Scott was helping his parents close up his grandmothers house 4 hours away. I had an extra long day at church so we were headed home around nap time. On the drive Clara said she wanted water. I explained that there was no water in the van and she would have to wait until we got home. She started kicking my seat and saying, "I don't want to wait! I'm NOT going to wait!" She repeated herself and got increasingly agitated and loud for the next 5 min. I could do literally nothing about her wanting water.

I realized that this is how I have been behaving in life. I want to tell God; I want a healthy husband and a great marriage NOW!! I'm not gonna wait!!!

Like a little brat I want to demand what I want when I want it. Unlike me God has the power to do whatever he wants but He also loves me enough not to give me what my tantrum demands. I need to wait. God's timing is never wrong. It's always perfect. It doesn't mean I won't be thirsty for a time but my needs are always met and even the road to my desires is laid out for me to walk on. The road is not gold plated and has a ton of pot holes so I need to stay focused on my heavenly Father who, I believe, wants the same thing I want. A healthy husband and a great marriage.

I did parent Clara out of her tantrum and she did get a drink when we got home but I let the episode go on just long enough for me to really see how insane it was for me to be resisting the working of God in my life. YES it takes a ton of self sacrifice, YES it takes self denial, YES it requires humility, and YES all of that hurts. So far, and I'm far from the end, it has been worth it.

Stay tuned for more lessons from the bumpy road.

lessons from a fish

So a few things I have been thinking about lately. I am like a fish in a tank. I watch my fish tank and the fish swim around and enjoy everything I have given them. They are completely reliant on me. I give them food, I clean their habitat, I make sure that they have what they need. How weird would it be if one of them just kept swimming into the glass trying to get out. That little fish would never succeed but if the fish doesn't face the fact that it is in the tank and appreciate what is there that fish will eventually kill itself. I am like that fish. If I do not settle down and appreciate what God has given me. If I don't stop banging my head on the wall of my circumstances screaming about how this is not what I wanted I will eventually wreak myself. 

I heard a pastor talk about how his daughter when she was 3 ask him if he would take her to Disney World for her 5th birthday. He was not paying attention as he was watching a game and so he absent mindedly said, "yes baby" and she trotted off completely happy. On her 4th birthday she announced to everyone that her daddy was going to take her to Disney for her 5th birthday. She never once doubted his answer to her and she lived in the peace of that answer as if it had already happened. She just waited for the fruition of that promise. He encouraged that we pray to that end. You see God does answer our prayers. He will accomplish what He wills in us. The work is done as far as God is concerned and we just need to live from that promise. 

This last Sunday our speaker said this, we want to be transported to the better circumstance to arrive without the process but God is in the business of transforming. It is about the process not the position.  I am confident that God has me on a trajectory of greatness. Whether that is being a great mom, eventually becoming a great wife, or becoming the president of the united states. I have no idea what it could be but that is not the point is it. I need to be faithful in the everyday and will one day realize the purpose for which I was placed in this world, at this time, with these people, and responsible for these lives.

The sermon was about Joseph who never fails to inspire me. His dream promise happened when he was 17 years old. He was sold into slavery, charged wrongfully with rape, jailed for 13 years!!!, and eventually became the second in command during a time when that would have made him the second most powerful man in the world. THEN and only then did he see that promise come true. He was 41. That is a long time to wait. And he was faithful in every situation God put him in. 

God please work that gold into my heart. Help me stop swimming into the glass. 

A prayer warrior in training.

It's time I shared what God is teaching me though this tough marriage chapter of my life. One thing I have learned is that even though I was saved very young, about 10 yrs old, and grew up in a christian family, my Parents are pastors/teachers and missionaries, I really have never known how to pray. Okay I have prayed my whole life it seems but I mean really PRAY. Like Jesus did in the garden of Gethsemane. No I am not sweating blood but it sure feels like it sometimes. Pray like your life is hanging on every word because God is your only hope. The truth is I have grown up praying as if I'm playing catch with God and hoping he plays along. I throw up a prayer and hope he throws back an answer. I know he hears me. I know and have experienced His answers to my prayers but in this chapter of my life I am learning that not only does God hear, you know the God of the universe that created every unique snowflake, but he is INTERESTED in what I have to say.  Every expectation of a great life has been disappointed, or so it feels, and all that is left is prayer. Oh how great is the Fathers love for us.

As a woman I have had certain expectations that marriage would involve a wonderful, special, unique, connection between me and my husband. Not only physical but more importantly for me emotional. After all that is what God intended right? Well, life has turned out to be quite different than that. Scott is a wonderful provider, he works so hard and is a exceptional father. He spends time daily with the kids and has a genuine desire to spend more if he could: sleep in everyday, work less, still have time for sports, etc. Really he is a great dad.

The problem for us is not that either one of us is a bad person. It's that we are sinful beings. We have vastly different interests and levels of commitment to the life we have been given through Christ. In short we are unequally yoked and the bible promises that will be a challenge. And a challenge it is. Everyday, every conversation, every interest in life, every vacation, every money decision, every education decision for the kids, every everything.
My heart aches as we have very little in common and see the world from two opposite perspectives. We do not have the beautiful connection that it seems God planned for the union of two people. Yet I know God does not waste pain. I am deepening my faith with each word I cry out to God. I know that God's desire is for his son to be unified with him more than this wife ever could. So I wait, grow, stretch, release, mourn, hope, and PRAY for the day when I will be able to have unity in my marriage. I was going to type 'for the day when I will have peace...' but that is another thing I have learned that peace really is a choice, as is joy. I can choose to look at my situation (focusing inward) and like acid it can eat away any good, positive, admirable, thing that is happening there. OR I can choose to keep my eyes on the one who gives hope, joy, and peace to the ones who put their trust in Him.

That is my choice.

Also, in case it's a question I am also broadcasting to all the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms that I will not surrender my husband, marriage, or family! I will fight with all the hosts of heaven for as long as I need to in order to see him whole and healed.

I'm sure there will be plenty more to come so stay tuned.
God is at work in this house!!
Kari

Opposite World

More is caught than taught

Opposite World 

(WARNING:This is a random compilation of thoughts)

It's an interesting thing to think about what opposite world means.
I have posted in my house this term related to thinking, reactions, comments, tone of voice, etc. It is HARD! When my 3yr old rips something out of her brothers hands I just about loose my mind because for the 50 billionth time I'm explaining how that is not kind. However, she sees my reaction and it begs the question, how is my reaction any more kind than what she just did?
The scripture I have been trying to meditate on is James 1:26: If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. The scripture has so much to say about the power of the tongue. Yet, we spout things off on social media or to family that is so unthoughtful. I am trying to teach my kids the importance of being kind and am constantly reminded that "more is caught than taught." I feel like I have been bombarded with this idea in relation to my marriage too.

I have been rebelling against the idea that I need to be a nice, gracious, empathetic, helpful, meek, submissive(but not weak!), supportive, and encouraging, wife in order to exact change in my marriage. That by me taking the high road there would be more effort put into what would strengthen our marriage, there would be mutual effort, mutual respect, that it would build a team mentality to life and parenting, there would be more consideration of my needs. Quite frankly that it would cause my spouse to see Jesus in me and drive him to his knees in repentance spontaneously curing his insecurity, his selfishness, his anger, and his pride. 
Not like I expect much of my influence. Eye roll

You can't teach what you refuse to model.  

I can fight it . . . which does not teach my kids the value of loving, being meek (def: having or showing a quiet and gentle nature: not wanting to fight or argue with other people), compassion, valuing people, or trusting God. More is caught than taught . . . But quite the opposite: bitterness, rage, complaining, self-pity, pride, NOT the legacy I want to leave.
I must address the whole concept of dying to myself which seems to be how I could define the process of what is happening to me right now. It hurts!!! I can't stand being humble!!!!! I want to be right all the time. I want to have things go my way. I feel like I singularly put so much work into building my house, our environment, our mentalities, etc. to be life giving and peaceful that I want everyone to follow me!!! Do what I say!!! Stop acting like my work has no value!!!

God protect my babies from my sin!

So my constant mantra is James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 
Clearly I have a ways
to go to even vaguely resemble humility, grace, and compassion. God is faithful. I tell everyone, and the truth makes my will ache, that God is so faithful that he will revisit whatever lesson we need. Of coarse that means challenges in specific areas until we learn. Until it is a soul change. OUCH!!
Needless to say the process of dying hurts and takes time. I'm learning everyday through every failure that God's way, the opposite world way, is the best way whether it feels like the high road or not. It is the only way to keep my sanity and teach my kids how to be more like Christ and to BE more like Christ. 
That is my goal and that is why I live. 

Well we made it through the Marriage Encounter. It was really intense. The first night went until 9:40 and then each morning started at 7:45 and then there were 10 minute breaks every 2 hours and one 30 minute break after lunch. It was really hard for me so I give Scott a ton of credit for hanging in there. We had some difficulty late Saturday night and so Sunday was a a total throw away. I am still praying that Satan is not able to steal the fruit we were able to collect on Friday and Saturday. I think the information and skills were a real game changer for us. Now we just need to utilize and perfect it. The staff suggest setting aside 20 minutes a day for each other. 10 minutes alone then 10 together to talk. So we could use your prayers that we have the discipline to do that.

The lake was beautiful but we didn't really get a chance to see any of it. The weather was around 55-60 so it was cold especially on the lake.
I'm trying to find pictures of the weekend but this is the only one I can find.
This girl is so cute!

 Not a ton to share this week. The kids are so much fun right now as they have so much fun together. Our house is full of smiles and laughter. Daniel is wanting to be moving so much. He is so wiggly and actually started showing that he wants his blanket when going to bed and eating. Clara is trying so many new sounds. She copies, like most kids, and right now the funny thing she says, which is my fault, "Oh no . . . or shoo (shoot)" We laugh because when Scott gets home she knows he goes downstairs to go to the bathroom and she walks around saying, "poop?"  "yes Clara daddy is going poop" and she knows when we are getting ready to leave and she goes through the whole process, and says, "socks, shoes, hat, jacket etc." She is also very excited about washing her hands WITH soap. She is identifying cars and buses . . . she loves the signing time videos. I bought her some glitter shoes at goodwill and she loves them. She is such a good helper. She gets Daniel his blanket when he cries and toys when he needs it. She is getting more comfortable with the word "mine" so there is some grabbing I need to 'fix.'

Daniel still has crazy rashes that I have no idea what to do with but we will be headed to the doctor soon to see what is up. He also has two teeth now and is figuring out how they work. He bit his own finger the other day and cried. It was cute. He is eating two jars of baby food at each meal and keeping me on my toes making baby food. The Ninja from Dawn is amazing and SO helpful. Daniel loves watching Clara and smiles and laughs at her. He is in 12 month clothes now so keeping the right sizes in the closet feels like a full-time job.

I finished my parenting class so now I know everything about raising perfect kids and how to get them to do everything I want when I want them to do it. I just have to convince them that I am the master. :)

Scott is still working his tale off and doing an amazing job at serving his clients and company. It is a tough time as I am about done at around 5 but he gets home at 6. We still just about pass out around 8 when the kids go to bed but at least we get a few hours together.

I am super excited about moving into our new church building and wonder how our family will fit in to the community. I sure am hoping that Scott can get to a point at work where he is able to enjoy getting involved a bit more. We are still navigating what that means for us or maybe I should say I am trying to navigate that.

We love you guys and enjoy our phone calls so maybe we will try again tonight. (Sunday)

We are doing alright in the Doucette household. Daniel had his 6 month checkup today and I wanted to opt out of his Hep B vaccine but then the doctor came in to explain why it's important and with a completely straight face he said that Hep B is transferred the same way HIV is through sex or needles etc. I looked at him and said, "I don't think my 6 month old son is going to be having sex or doing drugs with needles any time soon." He laughed and said well he has gotten the first 2 why not just finish with this last one. I totally didn't realize I had overlooked this in his previous appointments and it made me sad because I have been feeling like with all the attention that Clara is requiring these days little (Big) Daniel gets overlooked more than I like. Oh well, I'm sure that is how it is in most families. I can't even imagine having more than two kids at once. I am standing most of the day and busy all day long with their needs. Anyway, Daniel also has a rash that I thought was from the detergent I was using but the doctor seems to think it is just dry skin so I need to use oil to moisturize and hope it goes away. He is 19lbs now and broke his first tooth this last week. He is rolling over and rocking on all fours. The doctor said not to be surprised if at the next appointment, 9 mo, he is taking steps and pulling up on furniture. He warned me that second children are usually advanced physically and delayed verbally. I think that will probably ring true for us.

Clara is doing great. Her butt sore is healed up nicely and she only has normal diaper rash issues now. She is so excited about her signing time videos and uses even signs I didn't realize she knew. She is a ton of fun right now with her coloring and wrapping her doll up. She puts the dolly in all of Daniels things like his carseat and exersaucer. It's pretty cute.

Scott has started his busy time at work and with getting a ton new clients right before tax season it is a bigger challenge than I think even he thought it would be. He is working 50 sometimes 60 hours a week. I try to have the house in a state of peace when he gets home but sometimes it is really hard. As soon as I clean something Clara destroys it again.

I started back at the gym and also both my mommy group on Wednesday mornings and Connect group on Thursday nights started up again. It's good both groups are every other week and they just happen to be on opposite weeks so that works good for me. Scott is a bit overwhelmed so he stays with the kids instead of going to Connect group. I'm not sure that staying with the kids is a break but at least he gets to be with them. He will enjoy it more when Daniel starts walking and talking I hope.

Our church is moving into our new building at the end of the month and that is super exciting, for me at least.

I am thinking of having Samara help me with some swim classes for Clara. Monday nights for a half hour. I think Stacy might be able to use if for leverage on some chores at home too.

Winter has definitely come to Minnesota. Not so much snow yet but cold for sure. It was 20 degrees yesterday and the weather man said it was "mild." Why do I live here?????

I was hoping to win the lottery so that I could buy everyone a house down south . . . but I would have had to buy a ticket :)

Dawn is now on 4 10 hour days a week so we get to see her more often and it has been really fun. We have been doing some fun crafts and playing a game that Scott bought with his Christmas money. It is called Carcasson. I made a blanket for Daniel out of some left over fleece that Dawn had purchased to make a blanket for her nephew but it was too baby for him. So now Daniel gets it. She also gave me a Ninja for Christmas because she was giving it to her brother for his wedding but he already got one and she didn't return it in time. I am so grateful because the season to make baby food has come again and the thing is AMAZING!!


We love you and miss you so much!
Kari

Of the birthday girl.

I must admit I was pretty bummed Scott didn't plan anything for my birthday when I told him this last summer that I wanted something big. It was my 40th birthday after all but alas a week before I realized my choices were to either do it myself or be sad, disappointed, and hurt. So I planned a painting event knowing full well that most people were not going to be able to come since it was so last minute. We were able to use Groupon, Mom and Dad your gift card almost covered my whole portion- Thank you!!, so it was not too bad. I knew it would be a fun time no matter who was able to come. It was a very fun time. Right up my ally since I love painting. Stacy, Caleigh, Brenda, Dawn, Juanita, and Kalie were able to join.

After Stacy, Caleigh, Brenda, Dawn and I went to Acapulco for lunch.
Stacy and Caleigh were dropped off because they had been in Duluth skiing for New Years. They got a ride with Brenda home. Dawn and I went back to her place because she bought all the stuff to make me a mothers necklace including the stamp sets of the alphabet in multiple sized and tons of shapes in metal to put names and dates on. Like the ones I got for Mom and Lindy. Yes I said she bought it all. We worked on it for about two hours but still could not get it to look or work right. Something is wrong. We have to figure out if there is a specific hammer or something. Anyway, we tried. Then we went to the theater to go to a movie and can you believe that EVERY movie from 7:30-8:30 was sold out. So weird and frustrating. So I went home. Scott and I ended up going to a movie at our local theater which was empty. Go figure. I know that our theater is not redone and fancy with the lounging seats so that must be the difference.

Since we were kinda free without the kids for New Years Eve Scott was able to use his company rate to get us a whirlpool suite at a hotel in Brainerd MN. So I dropped the kids off in Hudson and we left Brooklyn Center around 4. I found a masquerade ball at a local bar on the lake up there for the New Years Eve festivities but when I walked in with my mask that Caleigh let me borrow I was one of two people that actually was wearing one. So I just took it off. We stayed for an appetizer and left at 11 since it ended up being more of a younger crowd looking to get drunk. I wanted to get out of there before they got on the road at midnight. Big bummer since I was excited about the great mask I had put together.

I was not interested in doing that much outdoors because it was around 20 degrees the whole time and I wanted to sleep. So on New Years day we did some returning. Which was great because I find it impossible to do that with the kids. I had things from the past 6 months that had to go back to Kohl's, JCPenny, Target, and Walmart. Scott does not return his own stuff and he doesn't try things on in the store if I'm not with him so that leaves me with quite the load. And it was fun to just tool around the small town. We had a nice breakfast at a local hole-in-the-wall and just took it easy with hot tubs thrown in before dinner.
Then for our last meal we went to a local steak house that was full loud people and teenage girls. They were all a hockey team from Buffalo MN. The moms were at one table the dads at another and all the girls taking selfies at another. Pretty funny. When we got back to the hotel we realized it too had been taken over by teenage girls from the same tournament. It just so happened that Grand Torino was on TV so we got to finish the night with a good movie. Not too shabby!
Over all it was a very nice time. It was especially nice that we didn't have to worry about the kids. Lindy kept us up to date with pictures each day and they seemed to be having a blast.

 

We are home together and it felt like we hadn't seen the kids in a week. It was nice to get them back. They were both sleeping within 5 min of being in the car. Thanks Mr. and Mrs. D!!!

I didn't get a chance to reflect on all Christmas meant to me this year before the holiday but I wanted to take some time and just think about how God came to earth as a baby. The significance of that is not lost on me as I remember my experience this last year.

My son was born in June which is the month that some say is the actual month Christ was born. I did not have to take a journey on a donkey. I think about how big Mary must have been, and uncomfortable, as they arrived in Bethlehem. This is how big I was trying to make my way around the zoo. My water broke the next day and Daniel was born.

We had all the help we needed. I can not imagine giving birth in manure with animals around, no running water, really no help at all. Not even her mother! When I look at the pictures of the stable with Mary having a halo I think, "So true and so false at the same time. She is amazing for doing that but probably was a hot mess!!" Did she complain to Joseph for not planning well enough and reserving a room? Did she get bitter that God couldn't even provide a safe, clean place for his son to be born? The savior of the world for crying out loud!! Ok, I digress, that is what I would be thinking. Thank goodness He didn't pick me for the job.

Did she know even then that her son was born to die for the sins of the world? When she looked at that face and felt the love that was going to burst from her body, was she full of hope for what was to come or overwhelmed at the responsibility she knew was entrusted to her. Was her mind full of all the things she would need to teach him and protect him from as well as how to allow him to learn things the hard way?

I remember when they called and said Daniel had tested positive for the Cystic Fibrosis enzyme and we needed further testing to know if he had it or not. I did some research on CF since I was totally unfamiliar with what that was. I learned that a few short decades ago children only lived around 5 years with it but now amazingly life expectancy was all the way into the mid thirties. And my heart sank! That was not long enough. This baby that I couldn't love more and was so, SO precious to me needed to have a "full life."

Yet our savior was put to death at the young age of 33!! Did Mary know that was going to happen???

 

What would my response be? If I knew that this little man in my arms totally dependent on me for life would need to die so others, people I don't even think deserve it sometimes, could live.

She knew the promise and maybe she knew all of this but I have to believe that she also was just a mommy of a new baby boy and that she would have given her life if she could to save his. Just as I would give my life if I knew my son were destined for a short life. Or my daughter of coarse!

My prayer this holiday season and for this next year is that I will accept what God has chosen for us. I will be a strong mom and wife that will not accept less than my greatest effort to build a family that loves Jesus with all our hearts. I will learn to humble myself in a greater way to allow peace to reign in my house. That my life will be an example to my children and husband that faith in God is worth it!! God is alive and not dead. He can not love us more or less than he already does. That no matter the circumstances we will give glory to God who so greatly deserves it. His sacrifice was greater than anything he will ever ask of us.

Mary knew on that day . . . Jesus knew his whole life . . . and still they were faithful up until the cross and after.

Lord, let my faith be even a fraction as strong as theirs. Help me live in such a way that is worthy of the great blessings you have given me.

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written and SOOOO much has happened. I did get married on June 15, 2012. 

We bought a house in June 2013

We had our first child February 28, 2014 Clara Lynn

We had our second child June 28, 2015 Daniel David

My poor husband has been holding on with white knuckles as we have been living life at 10,000mph. 

I decided that instead of Facebook I am going to post photos and family news here on this blog so that I do not have to share my everything with everyone. You see my parents moved to Singapore and are going to be gone for 2 years so I need a platform to keep them up to date on our lives.

Here is the first installment:

     

So for Christmas Lindy and I drove up to Ashland, WI on Wednesday Dec. 23.  It was officially the worst driving day of the year. It was snowing and icy. The 3.5hr trip took 5.5hrs and Daniel screamed the last half hour. It was pretty hard to stay sane until we finally arrived. Once there Daniel was just fine, rolling around on the floor smiling and laughing. I think he had just had enough of the carseat. We did have an amazing time with Scotts family up in Ashland, WI. Everyone was able to join including Scott's youngest brother Nick whose family is in Equator. Our trip home was much more uneventful. We stopped at a gas station but everything was closed so Scott went to the hotel across the parking lot and they allowed us to use their lobby to have lunch with the kids. It was called the County Inn...on Christmas. We were able to just stay home the next few days and enjoy family time. The kids needed some days to recover and get some good sleep. So yes we were in our PJs all day.

Stephanie drove up to spend Christmas here with friends and will be over for a girls night on Monday with Molly and Dawn. I am really looking forward to it.  Daniel is still a big boy and really moving around a lot. He flips over as soon as I lay him on the floor and makes his way around from just moving so much. Not crawling yet but sure moving. He is eating now and getting used to taking a spoon. His cough seems to be coming back but the smiles never stop. I'm really missing you Mom and Dad. You should talk to Luke about Uncle Rod if you haven't heard the latest news. Please have patience with me if this is all screwed up. It has been 4 years since my last post :) 

of a bride

Lately I have been moved by the idea of being the bride of Christ. It is so overwhelming to think that God feels even remotely the same as Scott does.

In Kari world, my biggest challenge right now is trying to find the balance between friends and Scott also learning to put myself second. That is the hardest! I read what the Bible says about serving your spouse and dieing to self etc. but sometimes I just want to behave like I'm still single. You know like not doing the dishes or laundry and just vegging out in front of the T.V. And that will probably be ok once in a while but I do sometimes feel an urgency to get that kind of stuff done for Scott maybe because I want to make sure I'm a good wife. I also don't always want to have the long conversations that Scott wants to have and that is another form of dieing to self. Sometimes, I have this desperate need to have some alone time too. Is that even normal??

Just think about the fact that none of this is ever true of God. There is NEVER a time when he wants to be free from you. He, like Scott wants to serve and make you feel loved. Unlike me it is not a constant struggle for him to die to self and love us just the way we are.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness." Lam 3:22-23

The amount of love that God has for us is so far beyond what I can even comprehend.

You see, I am so fickle. I get tired and want to rest or watch T.V. or something completely focused on me. The last thing I am thinking is how to serve Scott. A far cry from Proverbs 31. But then there is God and how tireless his love is for us. Seriously, type in the word love to any on line Bible or look it up in your concordance and you will see that God REALLY loves YOU.

What blows me away even more is that the God of the universe that created even every blade of grass knows exactly what is on my mind at any moment. This love is not like I scrap booked invites to my friends birthday party and they turned out great "i love them." NO this is a love like I am making my own veil and I have to search for the right colors and netting and flowers and beads. When I get done making it I am so happy, if it turns out. It is beautiful and I'm thinking I could even sell it on etsy.com :)

Now God doesn't want to sell you, duh! But he is so proud of his creation moreover he is so in love with you that he has prepared a mansion for you to live in. That is one thing for us: we are talking about all the life plans that we have. When will a house be in the picture and kids. Where should we be looking for a job and how long do we have to stay in this tiny little condo????

God knows, he is making all the plans. For the wedding, for life, for the return of the bridegroom. Kinda blows my mind.

Ok, here is another thing. How does the bride get ready for the wedding? Scott was just pointing this out last night. For the groom and the groomsmen all they have to do is go into a tux shop, get measured, buy the thing and be done. For us girls who are having the dresses made it takes getting measured, then finding the material, then a pattern, then a fitting, then the right undergarments, then another fitting until the dress is done. Then for the bride it is similar after weeks of looking for the dress then purchasing it there is the alterations and the shoes, jewelry, hair stuff, veil etc. I will also be getting all my nails done and my hair and maybe tanning and even maybe a wax since we are going to Isla Mujeres for our honeymoon.

It makes me think of how I am preparing for the return of the heavenly bridegroom. Do I spend even a fraction of the same amount of time thinking about how beautiful my spiritual garments are or how I am cultivating my spiritual person like I am my physical person for my wedding to Scott.

Anyway, these are just a few of my completely random thoughts lately.

Comments are welcome.

I have so much to say and so many thoughts but not enough patience to get it all down "on paper."

I'm just gonna free write and see what comes out. Forgive me if it turns in to a spider web of random thoughts. I am a woman after all.

Today will be my 18th day engaged. We decided on June 15th for our wedding day. It is a Friday night and we will be having a cocktail reception after a 7 p.m. ceremony.

I should warn you that just to be able to say all that in a definitive way took A LOT of work. First, there was the issue of the venue. These places are so SO expensive with a rental fee and a service fee and a cake cutting fee and a corking fee etc. etc. We only looked at 3 places. I checked out a ton online and then we actually went to 3. The lady from The Bridgewood was so nice and even though her original estimate was more than $3,000 over our budget she worked with us and we finally booked it on Thursday the 16th. We were warned not to wait until after Valentines weekend because there would be a whole new bunch of people engaged and they would be out scavenging up any venues that were left for this year. GREAT!! Right, so the of Valentiens day which also just happened to be the same week I was going to Milwaukee to take my NIC, super big deal, test we needed to have a venue booked. God is good. Scott was able to talk to Julie, the Bridgewood lady, and we good a wonderful buffet for everyone because my Dad seemed to really want food. The cost was still higher than we wanted but we figured it was what my parents wanted. The night of Valentines we went to a jazz club for some music and had some good time to talk about everything. Scott was remembering back to when I wanted only appetizers and a late reception. He asked me what ever happened to that idea because it sounded good to him. I said that we would pay the same if we did just appetizers or a whole meal so it only seemed reasonable to go with what Dad wanted. We concluded the conversation with the decision to rework the numbers, ask Julie for an est. on just appetizers and see what happens. I was still uneasy about being over our budget and so that was the ultimate deciding factor. Meanwhile, I am on craigslist everyday looking at wedding stuff namely dresses. I wanted a champagne colored dress but every one of them I found was well over $500. I know it's crazy but I wanted to keep the cost of my dress to $300. I was looking everyday on craigslist and couldn't find anything that was that color. I was reconciling with the fact that my dress was going to be white. I then chose a color for bridesmaid dresses and set up a time to look at them with the ladies. All this happening, mind you, while I'm meant to be studying for my test. I found a dress that looked ivory and the woman was from way down south and was asking $500 for it. I loved the dress so I emailed anyway and asked if she ever comes to the cities and if she would take $300 for it. It turned out that she worked in Shoreview and was willing to take $350 for it. So, deciding that it was worth the drive, I went up that day to look at the dress. She works at the YMCA which worked out perfect because there was plenty of room to try it on. I got to her office and saw the dress in the bag. I asked her the color because the ad never said what the color was. She winced a bit and said, "Yeah, I should have told you in the email because me knows what I want and he hears my prayers. Let me tell you the dress was perfect. I bought it on the spot. I know it is supposed to be this huge momentous time with your Mom and all your bridesmaids standing around in awe but this was it. I went out to the car to go to an ATM for the cash and called Mom of coarse. While on the phone with her Scott called. I switched over to talk to him because I was anxious to hear what Julie had to say. After pretending that it was not going to work and then acting like I would be disappointed he spit out that the estimate was $500 under our budget!!!!! Can you believe that???? Again I felt like God had orchestrated the whole thing. This all happened on Wed. before my test. So Thursday we went to book the place, I brought the dress home with e on Wednesday. Scott and I left at 6:30 Friday morning to go to Milwaukee for my test and by 2 on Friday afternoon Stacy had, already, found some black lace for the bridesmaid dresses. I knew from way before we were actually engaged what kind of bridesmaid dresses I wanted. I had been looking for back lace for months. I kicked up the search again when I found my dress because for the bridesmaid dress I wanted I had to have the champagne gown. I got that so now was back to the lace dresses. The fabric outlet said that it is really hard to find lace because as soon as they get it it's gone. So when I found the picture online of the exact dress I wanted I sent it out to my girls and everyone one liked it or acted that way. I was thrilled. It was a go. However, I was leaving and not really thinking about it until after the test. I emailed Stacy to check out the fabric store, less than a mile from her house, and she did. She texted me pictures and everything.

So here I sit at 8 in the morning before my test in 4 hours feeling like my cup is overflowing. I have to settle my brain and focus on the test. I told Scott that if I were to put what is going on in my head into a word picture it would be that apparatus they use for bingo games. They turn the crank and the balls all go shooting around the cage or bin. Then they grab one and that is the number. Yup that is my head.

I know that God is so in love with me and I with him but when things like this happen, WOW that message really hits home. As I was getting ready for bed Scott was quizzing me on my Code of Conduct. He stopped and said, "before I go to my room I want to read something for you." He pulled out a Bible and read for me Isaiah 41:10.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Just the word I needed as I walk into this test. It's a big deal have I mentioned that. National Interpreter Certification test. I have one chance to pass, kinda.

Anyway, I wanted to share the HUGE blessings in my life with you to encourage you to know that God is amazing and knows you and knows not only what you need but what you want as well.

P.S. I didn't have time to reread this so sorry. :)

Well exactly one month from the last post my man got down on one knee. He did and I said YES!!!

Scary and totally awesome at the same time. I have a feeling my response will bring me to many experiences that will make me feel that way.

My Mom keeps telling me about a book called The Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. The by line reads, "What if God designed Marriage to make us HOLY more than to make us Happy?"

WHOA, that is heavy! I've already been experiencing some of the effects of this concept as Scott and I have been moving toward our sacred union. Crazy how God works, that was the only thing I could think of the whole day leading up to the question. I didn't even know it was coming but somehow I kept thinking, "you realize you are voluntarily walking into the hardest challenges you will ever face, Right? You know that you are voluntarily killing your former self. You are giving up all the freedom and alone time you had. You are giving up independent living! For goodness sake!"

Yes I do realize it and it scares the crap out of me but then I look around at all the great people around me and on the radio all I can think of is: this is God's plan. He doesn't want selfish little kids around.

There is a quote and I don't know by who but it really resonates with me, "nothing worth doing is easy." Tough stuff and I'm taking the challenge.

With God's grace, that is the only way any of us make it through life anyway right. This way I will just need to depend a bit more, lean a bit more, trust a bit more, let go a bit more, and I will need more of God's grace. Not such a bad thing after all.

Pray for us as we embark of the rest of our lives together. With me in the equation, we're gonna need it.

All glory to God!

Kari Reid

(soon to be Kari Doucette :)

reflections

January 31st, 2011 represents a year to me that has been filled with both heart ache and triumph. Admittedly the heart ache was self inflicted, which is one reason it is so hard to understand, but the triumph was such an act of God's grace that I feel like I have increased revelation in a few different areas of life.

One area is the fact that God promises to be our refuge and strength. He is our fortress in times of trouble and he is our counselor. As I think of these things in light of this last year it is clear to me that in the moment of our heart ache or bad decisions or when it feels like our world is crashing down around us at no fault of our own God will be our strength. Our adviser, counselor, strength for the fight. But if we are so tired from life, worn out by the fight we insist on fighting in our own strength he does promise to be our fortress and refuge.

Read Psalm 31:

¹ In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
² Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
³ Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
⁴ Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
⁵ Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, LORD, my faithful God.

⁶ I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the LORD.
⁷ I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
⁸ You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

¹⁴ But I trust in you, LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”

¹⁵ My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
¹⁶ Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
¹⁷ Let me not be put to shame, LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
¹⁸ Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

¹⁹ How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
²⁰ In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.

²¹ Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
²² In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

²³ Love the LORD, all his faithful people!
The LORD preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
²⁴ Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

The way I look at it is, that if you want God to be your fortress you need to take the time and discipline to move into a place where you are able to take refuge in him.

Think of it like this: you are out on the field of war, like in the movie Braveheart, you are in the wide open and although you have your weapons, the sword of truth etc Eph 6, you have no covering. You cry out to God for help and he can and will provide strength and wisdom.
Even a help mate and encouragement etc but in order for him to be your refuge or provide a fortress you gotta get your butt over to the fort. Get on your horse and ride babe ride!! Don't hope that you sometime will wander through he doors of a huge fortress. NO you have to be intentional about getting your time and opening your Bible in order to take full advantage of what God offers in times of war, battle, a bit of a struggle, or even times of peace.

I have had some tough things happen this year. No one died but at work I have been challenged big time and even in relationships, that is the self inflicted heart ache I was talking about, at the beginning of the year. Wow, reading my diary was so depressing. Why God bestowed on me the gift of Scott I have no idea. God is SO good to me. I wish you could all meet him. He is pretty amazingly wonderful.

Even as we are starting some pre marriage work I just have to keep reminding myself that God is my source and there will be hard times, in addition to the challenges we have already encountered, that will prove to be only resolvable or solvable by the grace of God in a place of his peace and rest. I assume that if I can stay in that place the conflict won't feel quite so painful. I can only try.

I encourage you this year, and I will try to remember and practice my own advice, to remember to get into that fortress sooner than later when things come up. Don't try to battle alone. It may work but you will end up wounded and a perfect target for another attack from the enemy. God wants us to grow up through hard times but remember he only gives you what he knows you are strong enough to endure. AND he gives you all the tools you need, pick them up. AND he gives you a place to rest in the midst of it, get in there . . . and I think you will find that you are a different, better, person at this time next year. That is my hope anyway . . . each year a marked change into a closer reflection of God.

Pray that, right now, over your life and over the lives of the ones you love.

God hears you.

Now go live righteously!!

of Me.

So I met this great guy this last summer and we are planning to get married by the end of next summer. I know it is a bit fast but even with the rough edges I am sure he is my number two. (Remember God is always your number one, right??) And with my jagged edges he says I am his.

This man, Scott, blesses my life in so many different ways. He is patient with me and for those of you that don't know me that well, I need all the patients I can get from someone. We have figured this out about our relationship; I have a short fuse and he is a bit sensitive. Wow, that is such an understatement about me. There are days that I am pretty sure it is illegal for me to get out of bed for all the people I will snap at. So here is an example of what happens in my head. Yesterday I left work early because I was not feeling well. I went home and tried to rest a midst the laundry and the Christmas crafts I wanted to get done. Anyway, Scott came around 4:30 because we, for date night, were meeting some friends of his in Egan, a good 40 min drive. As I am thinking about getting up out of my recliner where I was resting Scott came over and sat on the side of the chair half on me half on the chair. It was nice until he for some reason held up his hand and sticks the peace sign in my face. When I say in my face I mean like two inches, literally, from my nose. I have issues with things in my face, admittedly a bit extreme but still. So I ask him to stop. Then he fingers my pendant and lifts it up to look at it so again in my face. Irritated, I can't take it so I get up to get ready. We leave and he is driving. He drives really slow in my opinion, and he is a consistent talker so he doesn't pay super close attention. Me on the other hand, drive fast and like to get where I'm going. It is less about the drive than about the arrival for me is what I'm saying. Opposite for him or at least the drive is equally important. With my belly still churning, I sit in the passenger seat with an endless internal dialogue about if he would stop talking he would notice that he is driving really close to the line and the other cars and he is weaving and might miss the exit and we are going to be late and these people better be worth it and why am I here anyway and I just want to sleep etc. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

He has never had an accident. Me?? Yeah a few :) Tickets: my fair share.

Why can't I just settle down and let us enjoy a ride together? I guess it has something to do with my personality but also because I have not had to just keep my mouth shut that often. I have one friend that drives super slow but for the most part I drive when we are going somewhere. A funny side note: I took the Meyers Briggs personality test and under the description of me is that I expect that people understand what I am saying. When I give instruction or when I voice an opinion etc. people with my personality tend to think that people should understand and agree. Wow, could that be farther from the truth? Especially the way I was raised with all my very specific ideas and view points. So there are lots of situations where I am finding I am having this internal dialogue and I know that it is good for me even though it feels like I am fighting with myself each time. Maybe this is how holiness feels.

My dad reminded me again that marriage is about holiness not happiness. I have heard that before but for obvious reasons it is having more of an impact on me now that I am getting so much closer to the "holiness" factor. I am happy for it and look forward to spending my life with Scott but I know it will be hard. Not because he is not a man with high character, he is defiantly that but because I am so strong willed.

I think of the verse: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind . . .

Romans 12:2

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I have a feeling this is going to be a major part of the next chapter in my life. The transforming my mind part. I look forward to it with careful anticipation.

We are also doing a financial class by Dave Ramsey. It is tough but if we want to "change our family tree" we need to live now like no one else, not spending anything, so that later we can live like no one else with security and peace. It will all pay off in the long run but trying to pay for a wedding while trying to pay off school debt and a mortgage is not easy. And did I mention? I'm not getting any younger . . . :) Also, not having purchased a piece of clothing in like 4 months is not a problem for most people but for me it is not my MO. Usually right about now I am fitting in to the statistics that most "Christmas shopping" trips yield a little something for the purchaser as well as her family and friends. I not only have not gotten myself anything but I have been very good to use sales to get good deals. I suppose on some level it feels good but mostly I am fighting with self pity. I get sick of not having money for date night or having to rethink Redbox. Can you imagine??? Rethink Redbox, yes I just said that. We have used Dave Ramsey as a verb these days instead of a proper noun. We say, "we will need to Dave Ramsey that . . ." Theater tickets or whatever we need to save for. It has drawn us closer because we are using each other as a resource like we combine our laundry money or some food and I have needed help with all the numbers because it is a bit overwhelming for me but I think in general we are doing pretty good.

Anyway, my plan is to be a completely different person next year at this time. Hopefully a wife and hopefully at least half out of debt. It will be great! Oh and did I mention a ton holier . . . hopefully. If I get better and not bitter.

God you will have to help me with that.

of a thankful American.

Today is Veterans day. 11-11-11 to be exact.

I have been thinking about how to honor the vets that I know and it is an almost impossible task to express how much we have to be thankful to them for.

I was thinking about who else would give their life for a person like me that they didn't even know. Well you might be headed down the same road I took to follow that thought. Yes, Jesus gave his life to GIVE us emotional, spiritual, personal freedom for eternity. He gave up heaven to live on earth to redeem every generation to come.

Similarly, the veterans give up life in America, for a time, to secure our safety. They offer their lives to ENSURE our national freedom. It just seems like there is so much more to it than that. They also are working to better the lives of people they have never met whether on the homeland or in other countries.

I for one have never heard a military person complain. I have heard about the difficult circumstances and the hardships of real life but not the complaining that we do at my work where in the summer we complain that it is too hot because there is no AC or in the winter we complain because the heater is broken, again. Yet we know we can go home to a nice warm cozy place and cuddle with people and dogs that we love. Hard to complain when you see the pictures of the cots they have had to sleep on or the places where they try to steel a few Zzzs in the middle of some sand field. Or even thinking back to previous war times when they had to hide for hours in the swamps of Viet Nam.

We have NO IDEA what they experienced and for that I am TOTALLY grateful.

I love to travel. I have been around the world a couple of times and every where I go people wish they were American or could live in America. Most people here in Minnesota want to say that foreigners hate America or think that we are obnoxious. They do think we are obnoxious but they still wish they could live here no matter who the president is.

It seems to me that the veterans did for us in the short term what only Jesus Christ can do for us in the long term, eternity. The sacrifice of their home, family, environment, comfort, and for some even their lives have allowed this nation to be one of the best most desirable nations on earth. In the same way everyone wants to go to heaven when they die.

Here is the deal. You know how we are so blessed because we were born here? LOTS of people are trying to get here and they have to work so hard to learn so much about our country that even the native people don't know. Well that is not how it works for heaven.

Yes, everyone wants to go but unlike the American government God does not make sure that you have worked your way down the check list of a VISA, a sponsor, paying all the bribes to get things done, the naturalization process, a green card etc.
God wants you to be a citizen of heaven NOW. That is why Jesus was willing to go to the cross to die for you. He wanted you to have eternal life - FREE.

What you have to do . . . ready for this . . . 1. believe in Jesus 2. Confess that you are a sinner 3. Ask God to take over your life. That's it! No joke.

So you could be an earthly citizen of the greatest nation on earth but you can also be a citizen of heaven. It is not birth related. There are no immigrants in heaven only adopted sons and daughters. However, it is your choice. Would you like to be free, for real????


ATTENTION MILITARY:

For each of you that have devoted any time to the safety of our nation whether only on American soil or not,

THANK YOU!!